Fading Chances
by Niamara
Summary: [LJ oneshot] Every year, Lily has denied James what he wanted  to date Lily. Now Lily feels the same way, but has she wasted all of her chances? [to Breathe by Michelle Branch]


**Fading Chances**

_So you sit there watchin' chances fade  
And wonderin' what's real  
--__Breathe_, Michelle Branch

_Disclaimer: I still don't own anything. I never have, and I never will._

_----------_

_First Year_

"Bye, mum! Bye, dad! I promise I'll write!" Lily called. She turned around, trying to heave her trunk down the corridor, her 11-year-old arms not strong enough. "Come on!" she muttered, hopelessly tugging at her luggage. "Move!"

"Oi!" a voice called. Lily spun on her heels, seeing a head with untidy black hair sticking out of a compartment. "Do you need any help?" The boy's hazel eyes were twinkling.

"Oh, yes, thank you!" Lily breathed, and the boy came jogging out to meet her.

"On three," he promised, grabbing a handle of Lily's trunk. "One, two, three!" With the boy's extra effort, the two were able to carry it back to the boy's compartment and shoved it under a seat.

"Thank you," Lily smiled, sitting down across from the boy. "I'm Lily," she offered.

"I'm James. That's Sirius, beside you, and these are Remus and Peter." James gestured to each boy as he spoke his name, nodding at Sirius.

While Sirius busied himself with something on his other side, Lily noticed James watching her anxiously. Sirius straightened up, softly brushing Lily's bare arm with his own.

Looking away from James, Lily self-consciously rubbed her right arm, feeling something large and hairy. She screamed, frantically brushing at her arm until the spider fell off, much to the amusement of James and Sirius, who were laughing.

Breathing heavily and on the verge of tears, Lily ran from the compartment, the echo of James and Sirius' laughter ringing in her ears.

_----------_

_Second Year_

Lily could hear voices, but she wasn't sure where they were coming from. She didn't even know how many there were.

_What if they're dueling? _Lily thought. _Dueling is against the rules. But who would be stupid enough to duel in broad daylight?_

Lily's thoughts were scattered as Severus Snape almost ran into her. He hurled around the corner, holding his nose, which was dripping blood all over his new robes. Lily was about to ask if he needed help, but he was already out of earshot.

Lily was just about to turn the corner when James and Sirius came around, still laughing.

"What was that for?" she demanded, her hands on her hips.

"What was what for?" James asked innocently.

"Don't play dumb, Potter. You know what."

"Oh, come on, Lily! We were just having a spot of fun!" Sirius replied.

"A 'spot of fun'? Severus' nose was bleeding!" Lily accused, rounding on Sirius.

"Madam Pomfrey can fix that real quick. Snape will be just fine," James assured her.

"That's not the point!" Lily yelled. "_The point is_ that you shouldn't pick on people who have done nothing to you!"

"Ah, but, see, it isn't _people_: it's just Snape."

"Ugh! You are absolutely _insufferable_, Potter!"

Lily turned on her heel and stomped off down another corridor. Even though she was seething with anger, she still managed to hear Sirius say, "Another lost battle. Sorry, mate."

_----------_

_Third Year _

Lily's Valentine's Day had been perfect. Too perfect, in fact. She woke up in the morning to a bouquet of roses tinted lilac, her favourite colour. At breakfast, a gorgeous, white owl delivered her an anonymously signed poem, written in handsome calligraphy. After dinner, her favourite table in the common room had another handsomely written note, still anonymous, addressed to her.

Lily and Alice immediately started speculating as to who could be sending her the gifts. They had already ruled out most of the third year boys by the time they climbed into bed.

"Well, I don't know who else it could be, Lils," Alice yawned, relaxing into her pillows.

"Potter," Lily whispered, her emerald eyes glazing over. "It makes sense! He got that calligraphy set from his parents for Christmas, and he wouldn't have had any other use for it."

"What about the poetry?" Alice questioned. "I wouldn't have thought him the poetic type."

Lily paused. "The library…" she whispered.

"What about the library?"

"I saw him come into the library a few days ago while I was doing my Charms essay. He had to have been looking for a book on poetry – there is no way he was in there for homework. And if he couldn't understand, I bet Remus would have helped him, anyway.

"I just wonder how he knew exactly how to do everything perfectly," she mused, opening up her dresser.

Her diary lay at the front; Lily never put it there. She always put it at the back, behind her letters from home.

"He read my diary," Lily said softly. "He read my diary!" she said more surely, jumping out of her four-poster. Lily grabbed her wand from the top of her dresser before striding across the room and wrenching the door open.

Lily snuck down the stairs and into the common room, not caring she was in her bedclothes. Her eyes scoured the area, looking for that familiar head of jet-black hair. She found it in the far corner, nodding at something Remus had said. Lily raised her wand and pointed it James waiting to have a clear shot. When she did, she muttered a spell under her breath, watching as James humped up and started doing an elaborate tap dance. She smiled mischievously as James looked around, trying to find the person who put the spell on him. James caught a flash of brilliant red hair before it disappeared up the girls' staircase.

_----------_

_Fourth Year_

"Oh, Merlin," Lily whispered in horror, catching sight of herself in the mirror. "Alice!" she called, panicking.

"What's wrong?" Alice yelled groggily from the dorms.

Lily opened the adjoining door to the bathroom and Alice screamed: Lily's hair had turned electric blue.

"Oh, Lily, what happened?"

"I don't know!" Lily cried, hysterical. "I just did everything like normal! I got up, took a shower, dressed and when I took the towel off my head to brush my hair, it was this colour!"

"Maybe there was a charm on your head towel," Alice suggested thoughtfully.

"Who could have done that, Alice? None of us are advanced enough in Transfiguration to do human transfiguration, and especially not this complex."

"Well, we'd better hurry up and get to breakfast; we don't want to be late for class."

"Yeah…"

Lily and Alice finished dressing and hurried down to breakfast, where Lily endured a lot of pointing and laughing.

She sighed. "Go on, Alice. I'll catch up – surely you don't want to be seen with me, anyway."

"Nah, I think I'll stick it out with you," Alice grinned.

"Lily," Alice whispered hours later in History of Magic, "your hair is almost red again!"

"Really?" Lily whispered eagerly back. The whole day people were sniggering at her in the corridors and it was getting old.

"Yeah! There's only one blue streak left!""

"Excellent."

By the time Lily and Alice were in the common room after dinner, all of the hair on Lily's head was back to its normal, vibrant red.

"You really handled that well, Lils," Alice commented as they sat by the fire. "I would have lost it before lunch."

Lily laughed. "It's easier if you know who put the spell on you."

"You know who did it?" Alice asked, shocked.

"Potter," she said simply. "He's the only one in our year who is clever and advanced enough in Transfiguration to perform a spell like that, and he's been shooting me suspicious looks all day. He's probably waiting for me to yell at him."

"Are you?"

"No. I figure that if I don't yell at him anymore he'll stop pranking me."

"Somehow I don't think that's going to work, Lils."

"Well, it's worth a try," Lily yawned. "I think I'm going to head up to bed. 'Night, Alice."

"'Night, Lily."

Lily got up from her spot in front of the fire, walking toward the girls' dorms. Spotting James with his friends, she sent him a quick knowing, disappointed look before heading up the stairs to her dorm.

_----------_

_Fifth Year_

"My textbooks! My bloody textbooks! Where are they?" Lily panicked, searching all over her room for her textbooks, which seemed to have disappeared overnight. "Oh, come on! I don't have time for – OW!" she screamed, nursing a stubbed toe.

"Ok, I'll just, erm, share with Alice! Yes, that's what I'll do," Lily mumbled, gathering the belongings she still had before bolting out the door.

She ran, huffing and puffing, up and down corridors and staircases, arriving in Charms just as the bell rang, having had to skip breakfast from sleeping-in because of late-night studying.

"Alice," Lily whispered, slipping into her sat beside her best friend, "can I share your textbook?"

"Sure. Where's yours?" Alice whispered back, taking notes on Flitwick's lecture.

"I have no idea! I put it in my bag last night after I finished studying, and it wasn't there when I woke up."

"That's strange…"

When lunch finally came, Lily shoved down some food before running off to Gryffindor Tower to check again for her books. Having been unsuccessful, she left for Transfiguration, very frustrated. She just managed to get through the class without having a nervous breakdown.

As she entered double History of Magic, her last class, she breathed a sigh of relief. She wouldn't need a textbook in this course. She settled into her regular seat – beside Remus, this time – and took out her parchment, quill and ink.

Lily didn't know when it happened. One moment she was taking notes and the next Remus was gently shaking her awake.

"Lily," he said softly, his hand on her shoulder, "Lily."

"Wha–?" Lily said, disoriented. She blinked sleep out of her eyes before seeing Remus and Alive in front of her. "Oh, no! Did I fall asleep? Oh, I didn't mean to! I was taking notes but I'm so—so tired!" Lily yawned.

"Don't worry, Lily, it was only Binns. He doesn't notice anything," Alice said reassuringly. She too looked like she had fallen asleep. Lily reflexively looked back at the door, where James, Sirius and Peter were waiting for Remus. Lily thought they looked like they were coming off a low of depressants. Her eyes sought out James', which were looking back at her and had a pitying look about them. It felt like an eternity for Lily as she tried to break contact, her pulse quickening. In reality, only a moment later James smiled slightly and his gaze shifted, looking toward Remus.

Remus nodded. "Don't wear yourself out, Lily," he said, smiling. He gathered his books, made his way over to his friends and walked out of the classroom. Lily eyes lingered at the door after them.

"What was _that_?" Alice asked, her blue eyes bubbling with excitement. "It felt like there was a magnetic field in the room."

"I don't know," Lily sighed, gathering her things and leaving with Alice. "I think he was trying to tell me something."

Later, in her room, Lily noticed her textbooks set neatly on her bed, a note lying on top. She sat down on her bed, picking up the note. _Don't study so hard_, it read. _I know you know everything. You'll do great._

Lily smiled to herself, noticing the familiar handwriting. She opened her dressed and placed the note under her letters from home. She felt a sense of longing to be with James, but brushed it off, pulling the covers up to her chin and falling asleep.

_----------_

_Sixth Year_

"He's doing it again!"

"Doing what?"

"Staring at me!"

Alice looked up from her homework. "Lily, for the last time, James isn't staring at you. He's enjoying a peaceful night in the common room, something we could be doing if you don't interrupt every five seconds with ramblings about James!"

"Sorry, Alice," Lily apologized.

James _had_ been staring at her an awful lot lately, though he hadn't pranked her or asked her out since the previous year. It was off, Lily thought, that he should suddenly go from hexing and pranking anyone he could to responsible and more focused on his studies. Lily would have been happy if he kept to himself during his free time – or, rather, kept his _eyes_ to himself. He had certainly been leaving Lily alone, spending any free time with his friends, but Lily often had the feeling of being watched, and had looked up countless times to find James staring at her.

Lily looked up now to find James laughing at something Sirius had said. As she glanced over, James looked up and caught Lily's eye. Lily had a strange urge to join James and his friends as they stared at each other from across the room, lost in their own world.

"…and the wand has to be waved in a counter-clockwise motion, right? Lily?" Alice waved a hand in front of Lily's face, jolting her back to reality.

"What? Oh – yeah," Lily answered, distracted.

"Do you have any idea what I just said?" Alice asked, amused.

"Something about, er, charming a clock?" Lily guessed.

Alice laughed. "Close," she grinned, fishing in her bag for her textbook.

Lily turned her attention back to James, who was now regaling a story to his friends. She watched as his face lit up with excitement at certain parts, often using exuberant hand gestures.

She caught his eye once more and she swore she saw him wink at her, but just as quickly, he looked away, continuing his story.

Lily sighed, smiling to herself as she turned her attention back to her Charms essay.

_----------_

_Seventh Year_

Alice watched Lily as she watched James. He was sitting with Remus, Sirius and Peter, with a girl on his right whom he was flirting with. Lily scowled as the girl laughed, tossing her blonde hair behind her. She caught Lily's eyes, silently mocking her. _You had your chance_, they seemed to say. Lily scowled again, turning back to her food and tried to hide the pain in her chest.

"She's right, you know," said Alice gently.

"I know," Lily responded quietly, "but that doesn't make it hurt any less." She pushed the food around her plate, not eating anything. "How could I have been so stupid?"

"You weren't stupid. Being the victim of his pranks and date offers made you unable to see what we could. It wasn't your fault."

"It was, Alice. Last year I don't think he pranked me once, but I still refused to give him the time of day. That was completely biased and selfish, and now he's moved on. Karma sucks."

"Oh, he hasn't moved on."

"He hasn't? Then why is he flirting with that sixth year?"

"To get his mind off you, of course," Alice said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Well, looks like it's working," Lily mumbled dejectedly, listening to the girl's bubbly laughter.

"Is it, though?" Alice asked. "Look at him and tell me it's working. And I mean _really_ look at him."

Lily sighed, looking back over at James. He was laughing with that girl, but his eyes weren't twinkling. There was no sign of the sparkle that appeared when he truly laughed, no smile that looked like he was really enjoying himself. He even looked like he had dark rings around his eyes. A product of many sleepless nights?

"Oh, Merlin," Lily whispered, turning back to Alice. "Did I really do that to him?"

Alice nodded sympathetically at the hurt, regret and realization on her friend's face.

Lily stood up. "I have to go," she said, grabbing her bag and leaving her dinner mostly untouched.

Lily walked along the empty corridors, hearing her solitary footsteps echo. _How could I have been so blind? _she thought. _No one wastes six years of his life trying to impress a girl he doesn't really fancy._

She started climbing the marble staircase. _All right. When he comes back to the Tower, I'll tell him how I feel bad for rejecting him and would actually like to go to Hogsmeade with him next weekend._

She turned a corner, stepping in front of the entrance to the Head Tower. "_Amo te_," she said. The portrait swung open and she stepped inside, taking off her shoes. She walked to the couch and sat down, thinking of what she could say. _James, I know I've acted really horrible… Well, of course __**he**__ knows that. James, I've been thinking lately and I believe… No, that's not right. James, I've noticed you've really grown up… No, that's just throwing in his face how immature he used to be…_

The portrait suddenly swung open, jolting Lily back to reality. She waited anxiously for him to come in and messily kick off his shoes as he always did; but when James had finally scrambled through, the blonde from the Great Hall was trailing behind like a puppy, her lips slightly swollen and a blush on her cheeks.

James smiled at the girl, but Lily was too hurt to notice how fake the smile was. The pain in her chest only grew as her eyes filled with tears. She stood up shakily, trying and failing to see calm as she walked between James and the blonde girl, running the last couple of feet and shoving the portrait open.

In the corridor, she let the tears spill down her face as she ran as fast as she could without her shoes. Her conscious mind was fixed on a picture of James with that girl, making it feel like her heart was being ripped to pieces, while her unconscious mind and legs led her to the Gryffindor common room.

She chocked out the password before locating Alice in her favourite chair by the fire. "Alice," Lily cried, flinging herself beside her best friend. "Alice, he's over me. He brought back that sixth year a-and they were snogging in the corridor, so I r-ran out."

"Oh, Lils," Alice said, stroking her friend's hair, "he's not over you, honest!"

"Yes, Alice, he is, and I've made a huge mistake. He's asked me out so many times before and I said no because he was arrogant and I didn't think he was serious, and now I've realized he was serious, but he isn't interested anymore."

"Lily," Alice said calmly, wiping the tears off her friend's face, "do you really think James would just stop fancying you after six years? He may have given up hoping you'll say yes, bur he hasn't stopped fancying you." Alice smiled. "Go back to your room, get a good sleep, and we'll talk tomorrow when you're more rational, okay?"

Lily contemplated the offer. "Okay, I suppose," she complied. She grabbed a tissue from the table before heading back to the Heads' Tower.

Lily walked slowly through the corridor, more aware of her absence of shoes. Her feet became cold fast, and she quickened her pace, desperate to sit in front of the fire in the Tower.

Before she knew it, Lily was standing in front of the entrance to the Heads' Tower. She took a deep breath and wiped her face self-consciously before whispering the password and stepping over the threshold. What she found, however, was not what she was expecting: James, alone, in front of a roaring fire.

Lily was shocked. "Where's that sixth year?" she blurted.

James turned around. "Nicole?" Lily dumbly nodded. "It didn't work out."

"Oh," Lily said, feeling a burst of happiness. "Can I, um, join you?"

"Yeah, sure…" James said, moving down the couch to make room for Lily.

"Thanks," Lily said gratefully. "Oh, it's so warm!" she moaned, stretching her feet out on the table next to James'.

"Where were you?" James asked after a short silence.

"I went to have a chat with Alice," Lily replied vaguely.

"What about?"

"Girl stuff," Lily said, confident he wouldn't press the subject.

"Lily?" James said after a while. "We're friends, right?"

Lily felt tears prickling at the backs of her eyes, but she quickly blinked them away. "Yeah," she said, her voice faltering a little. _Just friends_.

"And friends tell each other things, right?"

"Of course," Lily whispered.

"Lily?" James said after another moment.

"Yes, James?"

"Why were you upset?"

"Upset? When?"

"Today at supper."

"What makes you think I was upset at supper?" Lily inquired, shocked he noticed when he had looked as if he had had eyes only for Nicole.

"Well," he began uncomfortably, "you didn't eat anything and you looked really sad – you didn't smile once."

"It was just the stress of everything, you know – NEWT classes, Head duties…" Lily lied.

"Are you sure?" James asked, turning to look at Lily, concern etched on his face.

"Positive," Lily smiled sadly.

They sank into a comfortable silence, the flames cracking merrily. Lily sighed quietly, feeling a lump in her throat. This was what she really wanted in a relationship – the feeling of complete relaxation with one another and not needing to fill silences with mindless chatter. She tried blinking back the tears that had formed in her eyes, but to no avail; James looked over just as she was reaching for a tissue.

"Oh, Lily," James said, abandoning all pretence and pulling her into a hug. "Shh," he murmured, stroking her hair and softly rocking her back and forth. The closeness only made Lily's heart ache more for what she was certain she would never have, which only made the tears flow faster.

"Lily, please don't cry," James begged, pulling her more securely into his lap. He reached down to wipe away tears from the side of Lily's face that wasn't buried against his chest. With his gentle touch, her breathing finally slowed.

Lily forced herself to take in everything about him while she could; she closed her eyes, smelling the wonderful scent of his cologne, feeling the warmth emanating from his body and his touch. Unconsciously, she wound her arms around him and buried he face deeper into his chest, feeling comforted by his steady heartbeat.

James shifted under her slightly, sitting up straighter. Lily felt him softly stroking her hair again before feeling his lips hesitantly kiss her forehead, leaving a pleasantly warm, tingling sensation.

"James?" Lily whispered, not wanting to break the atmosphere.

"Yeah?"

"How did you… Well, um… How did you always keep good spirits after I heartlessly refused dates with you?" Lily asked cautiously.

"I always told myself that maybe one day, if I tried hard enough, you would realize I actually fancied you and at least consider the notion." He sighed. "I reckon that was stupid, though. I was just too much of an idiot for that to ever happen."

Lily listened quietly, James' deep voice reverberating in his chest. "I think that was really sweet."

"You – what?" James asked, taken aback.

"It's really romantic, James, showing you would wait that long no matter how much of a prat the girl was being."

"Lily, you were never a prat. That was me."

Lily laughed. "I think we were both too selfish."

"Probably," James grinned.

"But it doesn't really matter now, does it?"

"What doesn't matter?"

"The fact that I think that was romantic."

"And why wouldn't that matter?" James asked incredulously.

"Because you've moved on," Lily sighed.

"What makes you think that?"

"Well, firstly, Nicole…"

"Nicole?" James laughed. "Nicole was me trying to get my mind off you, which didn't work."

"But you haven't pranked me at all this year! Or embarrassed me, or – "

"Lily, I'm not a complete idiot. I learned, albeit after five long years, but I learned that you hated that stuff, and while it was still getting your attention, I didn't want it if all I got was yelling – which I deserved," he added quickly. "I figured if I wanted to ever have a chance to go out with you, or even to be your friend, I couldn't act like that anymore."

"Well, it worked," Lily sighed. "Without you badgering me every second of the day, I actually had too much free time than I knew what to do with." She laughed. "I realized you had practically become part of my daily routine. Once we stopped fighting, I was … nervous. I don't like change, and this was, although I didn't want to admit it, extreme. But by then I'd sworn you had moved on and didn't want to bother with my anymore."

James sighed. "You won't have to feel that way any longer," he smiled, taking Lily's hands from behind his back and entwining his fingers in hers.

"Really?" Lily beamed, looking up at him.

"Really," James confirmed, nodding.

Lily smiled at James for another moment before resting her head back on his chest. She listened again to his steady heartbeat while examining their entwined hands, feeling elated.

Time passed slowly and comfortably. As they sat in front of the dying fire, they drifted off to sleep, neither having a care in the world.

* * *

**A/N: **Wow, I haven't updated in a while, have I? School was so hectic that I had absolutely no time to write, and I've only just finished _Fading Chances_ this afternoon! .:sigh:. Melissa edited it at super speed so it's all done and here for you now. Yay!

And with only 16 days left until the release of _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows _(.:sobs:.) I'm fairly sure this will be the last piece of fanfiction I post before we know how it ends! How depressing is that? I hope you all enjoy the book as much as I will, despite wanting a 2008 release...

Anyway, don't forget to review! You know I love reviews. ;)

-Niamara xoxo


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